Willy Wonka and the Poo Factory

At the time the joke would never get old. The Waste Water Treatment Facility had just hired me as maintenance man for a few hours a week; just enough time for me to really take in such a gem of a workplace. When I first arrived, Bill, Steve, and Jacob, were probably on their 15th cigarette break of the day. This was the entire cast at the facility, I was to become their 4th. The youngest, Bill, saw my arrival and quickly threw down his cig and began to walk to the back shed. I met him at the door.

Bill: "How you doing? My name is Bill. It kind of smells around here."
(Bill had been working at the Waste Water Treatment Facility for 7 years, I think his senses had been dulled.)

Me: "Yeah, it smells like shit."

Bill swung the garage door open and revealed the most enormous and graceful lawnmower ever created by man. The new John Deer LT160 lawnmower was to me what the hyperbaric poo chamber was to Bill: brilliant.

(Bill slowly runs his hand over the hood of the lawnmower and lets out a faint whistle of approval.)
Bill: "You know how to drive one of these things?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm sure I can figure it out."

Bill: "Alright good, cuz I got to clean out tank 4, so if you crash or nothen just bang on the pipe a few times. We will hear ya."

Me: "Thanks, man."

I hopped on the lawnmower and looked down on all the clickity clacks and levers. The mere sight of the machine momentarily made me forget the horrid smell. As I was about to rev up the engine, Jacob, the boss, came over for a formal chat.

Jacob: "Hey, and you must be Jeff."

Me: "Yeah, thanks for the job."

Jacob: Good, so you going to mow today, and probably do some weed-whacking.
(An awkward pause overcame Jacob, he realized he just hired me to work strictly on the lawns.)

Me: "Is there anything else that, I mean besides the mower..."

Jacob: "Oh well, if you want to get dirty (pointing over to Bill putting on a Teflon suit) but I figured..."

Me: "Yeah, I will just take care of the lawns man, thanks again."
As he walked away, and I gazed upon the many fields in which I was soon to cut, I felt proud. I had officially infiltrated the waste water community.

The waste system itself was nothing like I first imagined it. It really looked like a factory, except virtually no one was there. The purifiers and pumps, gadgets and gizmos, which kept the poo flowing up and down the numerous tubes and through the pools, were run entirely by one computer. I only once caught a glimpse of "NED" that first day, that was what they called the computer "NED," but man did it look advanced. When I looked into the "NED room" Jacob immediately shut the door. Jacob was a good man. He cared deeply for the factory, but he was also suspicious of my curiosity. Jacob appeared content on keeping all the secrets of the plant safe, even from his lawn boy.

The first day flew by, or should I say the mower flew by all the tanks, pools, vats, and buildings. I rounded the first of seven buildings and drove nearly vertical up a hill. As I reached the horizon I almost drove directly into a large swimming pool full of shit. I slammed on the breaks and slowly rose from the seat of the LT160, removing my goggles. The murky water, being swooshed and swirled, was like a living nightmare. How could this be I thought? This exposed pool of waste, how could they keep it like this? From a distance I heard a voice, it was Steve.

Steve: "Hey, you, what you doing next to my pool?"

Me: "I was just, I almost drove into the pool."

Steve: "Yeah (he pulls out a cigarette and lights it) I saw. Now you listen here boy, I don't know how you got this job, and I didn't like you the moment I saw you. You stay clear of the pools, they are dangerous."

Me: "Yeah, I'm sorry mister, the lawnmower was moving fast..."

Steve: "Don't drive it so fast then. Now get, there ain't nothen to see around here."

Well, I couldn't argue with him. A swimming pool full of shit is something I come across a few times a day. Steve looked back at me as I drove away, with a mean grin on his face and a sharp wink with one eyelid. I drove around a massive tank to dump the grass. Grass had been dumped there for years, I gladly added to the piles. I stopped to catch my breath and took a swing from my water bottle. A light appeared on the side of the tank.

NED: "Good afternoon." (The light was speaking to me.)

Me: "What? Hello, who's this?"

NED: "My name is NED. I am a waste water computer system."

Me: (not sure to laugh or run away.) "What?"

NED: "Are you cleaning the grounds?"

Me: "Yeah, you know where I can find a toilet around here?"

NED: "There are two in building A, located near the front and rear exits. One in building B, located in Jacob's office. There are 4 in..."

Me: (beginning to get a little scared.) "Okay, well thanks, I can find one."

NED: "Have a good day."

To Be Continued...