Tennis Report Card

After 3 weeks of amazing tennis camp with the kids, I think it is time to provide some feedback on what has been happening. Kids from across the world have signed up, and have been playing their little hearts out. I have enjoyed the occasional water break, the rain-outs, and of course sending a child to sit in the glass pile, but I have to admit that these kids often miss the point. Tennis, past the age of 5, is no longer a "game," it is more of a career choice. I was wondering all year how I could get this point across without having the parents contact child services, so I decided to implement a very simple system: the golden star system. Each child is awarded a golden star when they complete a specific drill, dominate an opponent, or simply follow the "182 rules of the court." For instance, "Suzy" smashes a ball into "Frank's" face, she recieves 2 golden stars. "Cooper" picks up 25 balls=5 golden stars. "Billy" brings Coach Jeff a $5 bill=20 golden stars. Of course it is just as easy to lose golden stars as it is to gain them. This is evident in most cases, as students tend to laugh and cry far too much, and neither emotion should be revealed on the court. I decided to post my first score card of the summer for everyone to see who the top and bottom students are thus far.

1. Brooks Jordan, age 3. 3rd cousin of Michael Jordan. golden stars: 567. Has followed every rule to a tee, including tuxedo and miniature vehicle.

2. Braddigan Crimmples Shwartsdinger, age 9. Year round resident of Edgartown. golden stars: 131. Besides the fact that he is late to nearly every class (he eats cereal in the morning and spills it all over his shirt) he has been emaculate in all respects of the rules.

3. Milo Walsh, age 4. Resident of Tokyo, Japan. golden stars: 99. Talents Showcased in the upcoming film "Charlie Bucket." With the exception of his withdrawal from the "100 push-ups and crying game," Milo has shown the unique ability to cry and smile at the same time, canceling out both emotions and delivering confusion to his opponents yet to be matched.

4. Charlotte "Sister Act" Dinlehorn, age 8. Island resident/Award winning singer and future US Open Champion. Golden stars: 82. She has zero tolerance for losers and has been extremely helpful with weeding out the weak.

5. Mathew and Modine Gramskowzer, age 10 and 11. I have bunched these brothers together because they share the same total of stars (79) and because they work as a team on and off the court. They were last spotted drinking budwieser beers behind the tennis wall, trying to get the hot nannies to convince their mom that they need looking after.

Such as life, when there are positives there are negatives. Here are some of the worst scores--of the ones who haven't been kicked out.

-John Henry, age 9. -67 stars. That would be minus 67 stars. Goes to the Boys and Girls Club Camp. Caught throwing stones at a Yachty Lexus (actually that gave him stars). Has followed none of the 182 rules of the court, and wears crocodile slippers to class (I think that gave him a couple of stars too).

-Linda Mortimor, age 6. -44 stars. Brings her grandmother's wooden racket to class. Cries at the site of Coach Jeff hung-over. Tried to clean up the glass pile. All things which cause you to lose stars.

-Lukas Tanner, age 10. -33 stars. Refused to provide his nannies cell phone number.

-Sara Kingsly, age 7. -25 stars. She was doing fine for the first 2 weeks but she went to "farm" camp last week and hasn't been able to get off the subject since. You think your opponent cares that you can feed baby chickens? No, they don't care about baby chickens, goats, cows, or bears.

-Ralph Stewart, age 7. -20 stars. He lost 30 stars the other day when he told me his last name. He claims he is done with the camp now, or something, I don't know I was laughing at his last name.

- Andrew Wilson, age 8. -15 stars. Is just recovering from the worst start in camp history after he showed up wearing over 30 rubber bracelets. You know, the "livestrong" ones. Those ones are cool, the ones the kid was wearing he got out of happy meal boxes from McDonalds that read, "Sudahbumbumbum, I'm Loven' It."

So far so good I would say. The students are learning how to serve, and we have been playing matches. Tomorrow is running day. I time the children to see how long it takes to get to the candy store and back. I will be back soon for final honors.